Day 5

I went for a walk today.
I drank a carrot juice.
I put on a lipstick in a color that never worked with darker lips 5 days ago.
I examined my face for more signs and saw the black smoke lifting up.

There are these tinglings in my mouth and tongue.  When they happen I slip my tongue up to my hard palate and then press on the soft palate going as deep as possible.   This makes the tingling the longing go away.

I was thinking about a number to be.  Then I though no, why not let body decide.  Give up control to the intelligence of the body.  It knows.  Does it know I want to be a ballerina?  Yes.

I am reading a very sad memoir about smoking by Julia Hansen.  She is a sad heroine.  It is an identity that I can identify with.

Though after a sunny walk when I faced the sun without a hat, I felt like I have to be me.  I can't solve my problems with the same brain that created them.  Oh relaxing into everything.

I have decided on major purging.  Not little purgings.  But all of it.  Spontaneously.