4 weeks into life without avoiding

The further I get from my prior secret smoker shame-life, the harder it is to remember it.  Who was that woman who snuck frequently onto the patio and breathed deep, sought peace.  Or hid from the kids and from her feelings.  I felt unsexy because Lover literally recoiled from me after I'd been on the patio.

I have a lot of gas.  This is also very unsexy.  I am not used to being the one who is releasing noxious gases into the air from my anus.

I'm in a is-this-perimenopause or is-this-a-for-real-dark-night that I'd rather not talk about.  Maturity.  What does that mean?  First, not believing that maturity is boring.   How many stories about middle class progression are there?  A few.  This is 40.  Others?

I am 44.
I keep seeing 444.
There are 44 new sunspots on my face from this summer.

I am a tiny bit....

Lot bit

Upheaved.

Which is fine.  In time.  Since I am meeting someone.  I am about to understand.  I am about to see.  Or else there will be an increase in upheave in which case that will be.

Now I will go dine with the smaller child.