October 29, 2008

Consent to being boiled, corn, and you will be delicious. (re-phrased from a Rumi poem)

The New Moon is granting me 10 wishes. One of mine was to connect to people. If only this didn't hurt so much.

Yesterday, my acupuncturist revealed to me that I am very stressed. "But I don't feel stressed," I protest. I am only there because I cannot sleep, I am overeating and having tension headaches. He examines my tongue, "You are definitely stressed." A few needles in the head and I am laughing all the way down Maiden Lane back to work.


At work, I wanted to talk and hang out with folks. But a few visits later I creeped back to my office closed the door and took a deep sigh. I am not stressed - I am only susceptible to everyone else on Wall Street who are collectively a basket case.


My daughter insists on seeing me more. That was on my wish list - but what goes in my 24 hour day? Can't be my job because I've accumulated a nice pile of credit card debt in order to dress for the position I want. Not to mention the creams to delay the wrinkles, classes to keep the abs toned and high falutin' pre-K alternatives for the genius child. Can't be ballet because it is my lifeline. Then what? I decided I would instead of more time I would spend "fun-time" with Olive. Too much of our time is choresy.

My goals last year were so much easier - buy a house, find a lifestyle job, dance. (In NYC a lifestyle job means 40 hours a week.) Check, check, check. My goals now are about process, the how to, the deliberate practice, the neuroplasticity and molding everything into a grand sculpture just by happenstance not by design. Need more alpha waves that's what.

I'm blessed - I was the victim of random acts of mentoring last week and of course my pride was appropriately stoked. I'm all puffed up and then a cutting critique from Finis (ballet master) throws it all into perspective. I'm an amateur on the dance floor and to be treated like a professional really hurts. That really should be my wish - more pain that forges - bounding out from between the flames that's me.

October 17, 2008



Another unstable week has ended on Wall Street. The uncertainty, the down down down markets, the bloody losses have put everyone in a bad mood and a savings posture.



Bosses are taking their negativity out on their underlings, mothers are taking it out on their babies, wives are refusing to sleep with their lovers.



I am in a cycle of TGIF and blah Mondays, as there is a strained and formal feeling at my office. Once a place of warmth and progressive work with aggressive postures, we're now a bunch of aimless people fighting over petty amounts to get our share. "Hangin in there," is the constant refrain. Who will be in Newco, Stayco or Spinco. Perhaps you will be in gohomeco. Rumors abound and secret lists circulated. No retention plans yet.



I keep the door to my office shut and watch ballet videos on youtube, stopping only to deal with emergencies which usually require surprise shotput attacks.

October 9 2008

Since last post, I moved on from the bank to an insurance company - yet still in asset managment structuring private investment funds, working within the business of making nothing but money.

September was a wayward month - began with a surfer chic in Montauk and then a week later there was a day that chicken little seemed right on. An usury-lite loan from the government saved us; yesterday more billions from the Fed for sec lending. The emotion in the air at work varies from tension to sadness to fright. The subsidized 7th floor cafeteria is running out of food before 1 pm. Everyone is doing their best to appear busy and keep income in their pocket. We are learning to save as a company and a nation.

What's a mother to do when her nanny needs a raise and her daughter the fancy music classes with a live band and puppet show. Upper middle class mothers are in a delicate situation - there's a careful balance between the paycheck they bring in and the paycheck that goes to their nannies. Unwind one salary and the other is up for grabs too, yet how's a mother to look for work if she cannot afford baby-sitting. I learned incidentally that my nanny also has a nanny for her child - and wondered but dared not ask what the income disparity there was.

June, as the daughter now calls herself courtesy of little einsteins, is getting more beautiful each day. "What are you?" I asked her. "Magnificient," she replies. No lack of confidence or egotism here. It's a bit unchecked where I'm concerned but can one fight their nature.

Today's wayward schedule.

8:45 Arrive at work. Tea, more tea. Read emails.

9:00 Review the news: wsj, ft, horoscopes, penelope trunk

9:15 Draft email to Africa team about making capital calls, gently asking them to think about it.

9:30 Call to colleague in midtown re: revising disclosure for recent developments. Left vmail.

9:35 Develop to do list

9:40 TC with hubby re planning a thanksgiving trip to South Beach. Internet research for prices. Book flights.

10:15 Book acupuncture appt for lunch

10:20 Take call from boutique that my Theory size 8 suit has been ordered

10:25 Check prices for music class - an astounding $545 for 10 weeks!

10:30 Go downstairs and find myself ordering a breakfast sandwich of 2 eggs, cheese, sausage. A small clue to what stands between me and size 6.

10:40 Eat sandwich while reviewing a hedge funds presentation from outside counsel

11:00 Take call from colleague and discuss disclosure aspects - find him a bit fast and loose in his approach but get him to agree to send me the samples his boss has been circulating.

11:15 Read inbox. Consider further action - decide verbal advice presented at next meeting preferable in this case.

11:30 Book sobe hotel

12:00 Email last vacation spot for deposit refund check - troubleshoot date on check.

12:15 - 1:30 Acupuncture

1:45 Decide to recommit to blogging as a real time record of the historic events I am living through. Find old blog account untouched for over a year and start typing!

I'll let you know how the rest of the day goes.