Day 5

I went for a walk today.
I drank a carrot juice.
I put on a lipstick in a color that never worked with darker lips 5 days ago.
I examined my face for more signs and saw the black smoke lifting up.

There are these tinglings in my mouth and tongue.  When they happen I slip my tongue up to my hard palate and then press on the soft palate going as deep as possible.   This makes the tingling the longing go away.

I was thinking about a number to be.  Then I though no, why not let body decide.  Give up control to the intelligence of the body.  It knows.  Does it know I want to be a ballerina?  Yes.

I am reading a very sad memoir about smoking by Julia Hansen.  She is a sad heroine.  It is an identity that I can identify with.

Though after a sunny walk when I faced the sun without a hat, I felt like I have to be me.  I can't solve my problems with the same brain that created them.  Oh relaxing into everything.

I have decided on major purging.  Not little purgings.  But all of it.  Spontaneously.  

Yippee I'm a non smoker

thank you Alan Carr.  Grateful.  I'm in a fog but not really but I am lying around reading a lot and not having any peristalsis which is sad.

Susan Shapiro - thank you.  You are 40 and you are quitting.  I am 44.  I've only smoked for 2.5 years.

First smoke:  13.
2nd smoke: 15.
Remaining smokes: 17-28
Non smoker:  29-41
Just one Smoke in Tulum:  41
Several smokes:  41-44

I am mushy.  I am bigger because all the blood circulating is pulsing more strongly and I'm not the weak willowy, dark circled kind of drugged child porn star I've always wanted to be since I was 6 and saw that dreadful thing on TV in an apartment on Juhu beach in Bombay when mother left dad and his friend in underpants to watch the kids while she went sari shopping.

Seriously.  I am mature.  Maturity helps in conquering all the things.  Addictions, fears, phobias, childhood traumas, superiority complexes and inferiority complexes and all of the stuff I thought was my life.

Turns out no.  I'm 44.  I'm mature.  I haven't figured out everything yet but no doubt I will.

I am lying around now but soon I will get up and go downstairs confidently.  Day 3 is the day.  Today I awoke feeling refreshed!  Today I have purpose and more energy even though I still need lots of naps.

Life goes on.  A sauna is nearby.  Saunaing everyday can save your life.  Esp if you have very cold showers right after the sauna.