Thursday, January 25, 2007

January 25, 2007
Notes from the Desk of Hyde

The on-line horoscopes are telling me contradictory things. It is hard to know which way to go.

Everything is going funny this week. I bought paper whites for my office and they smell dreadfully like overbearing perfume. Narcissicistic.

I'm impatient at work and have temporarily lost respect for people. How can I respect people when they cannot see the difference between a good lawyer and a terrible one. (Me being the good one and the terrible one being the Asst GC that I am trying to replace.) The SEC is here now and that is all anyone can think about. But since our fund is not part of the exam, I couldn't care less and want people to pay attention to my needs.

Yesterday one law firm announced salary raises - the good times are back. So I decided to put some feelers out there, and yes indeed the fishies are biting. There are fabulous opportunities for my luscious creative mind. Why should I stay here under the thumb of a dictatorial Russian. Tomorrow I may love her again, but today I haven't seen much. Much ado was made about the fact that I received a blackberry. Oh gosh, thank you for giving me a work tool. That is so kind of you. Finally I can actually check my email during working hours in Asia.

I'm all riled up about working life. Thinking of jumping to the business side. There's more opportunities for creativity there and measurable results. It would be so ironic if I did jump, as I spent much time here complaining that I was more legal than the Asst GC. Not that ironic, because I was more legal, analytical, plain old smarty pants. I did my job. A business job would be an incredible challenge. Never really had a business job. The lawyers would be answering to me. I am extremely power hungry these days.

P.S. Olive is sweet and has pink summer shoes and a trunk suit for Jamaica. She knows what is a nose.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

January 16, 2007

God, please bring me:
- time for myself
- relief from gastrointestinal pain, discomfort and belly sag
- sleep for 8.5 hours every night
- wild success at work
- acceptance that some days I will be very tired but I will succeed, by persistence.

How do others deal with terrifying tiredness, painful back pain, a collection of uncomfortable shoes and short pants? Not to mention dry eyes and splotchy skin.

They focus intead on formulating sharp comments to prime brokerage agreements.

Martin Luther King Jr. day

The nanny was off yesterday, so I brought Olive in to work with me. We both got dressed, breakfasted and headed off in the rain. At the top of the subway stairs I had planned to ask for help, but I could not. It's just not done in American society, except by beggers. Instead I looked helpless and in 30 secs a nice lady did come along and help me take the stroller down.

At the office Citi was closed too, and Olive loved roaming the empty hallways - it must have been like Doom to her. It was like a scene from The Shining - and I thought about getting a little trike for Olive when she's older.

I would look up from my business papers and she was gone, having opened the door and walked out. I made a left and ran down the hallway, crying out "Olive, Olive!"

A trader from Munibonds had come in on the holiday too, another keener. "Have you seen a small child?" I asked. "No, but I'll keep an eye out." I frantically looked further, surprised she had roamed so far and imaging all sorts of terrible things involving an 11 mos old under a larger printer. I ran down the hall in the other direction and found her in another lawyer's empty office, sitting on the floor and staring at the hanger on the back of his door. I brought her back to the office. 15 minutes later this entire sequence was repeated, except this time she was hanging out by the copier room.

In between running after Olive and changing her diaper, I did manage to get a bit of work done, though not very effectively or well. Sometimes with lawyering, its better not to have the luxury of time and second thoughts. She had lunch at my office, she napped, though she wouldn't fall asleep until we went outside a blast of fresh air hit her in the face and then she was gone by the time I reached the sandwich shop across the street for a California turkey.

Later we walked by the Childrens All Day School on 60th and to the Taryn Rose shoe sale. Olive loved the energy of Manhattan.

By the time we got home, I was spent and empty. My back had been hurt all day - something from doing yoga on Saturday after 2 cappucinos and 3 weeks of no exercise. I brought in Olive, her bag, my bag, the stroller. Olive wandered in the house. And then I saw that she had wandered to the top of the stairs - the gate was open - and had wandered away from the top of the stairs. Smart girl! But it didn't stop my heart from jumping into my throat.

Friday, January 12, 2007

January 12, 2007

I found mold and mildew in my closet last night. It had eaten 2 pairs of shoes - my Givenchys and Costume National, and boy where they both expensive and high heeled. It seems right somehow that these were the shoes to be eaten, because I have not worn them since becoming a mother, since even before that when I first became impregnated. They've lain in their boxes for more than 2 years, so beautiful and sexy; they're shoes from a wild time in Miami when I was a ballerina and a size 6 seductress. When I found them it was too late. They could not be saved. The grey green mold had taken over both of them completely, and there were fuzzy little black polka dots on the bottom of the Italian leather soles. The gold buckle still shone through - reminding me that I had worn them to Art Basil; Aaron had carried me to cross the road when I realized that a lot more walking was ahead in these shoes not made for walking, but for swaying in a tight dress.

Now I wear sensible flat shoes, mostly less than $99. I have been looking for shoes again lately, I must confess. Expensive shoes that also fit into the mothering lifestyle. Good arch support but not orthopedic looking shoes are hard to come by. I've almost given up and am thinking about wearing my old point shoes around, walking the halls of Citigroup demi-point in pink ribbons. I am plie-ing again in the office kitchen, bathroom, wherever I find myself alone in front of a reflection. I am stretching out my hamstrings while looking through files. I am teaching Olive how to turn and port de bra back. I am writing love emails to Aaron, in the style of Spanish poets.

This year I will be a ballerina and a lawyer and a mother and a writer and a lover.

Happy New Year.