Thursday, March 29, 2007

March 29, 2007

Need to think on my feet more. While explaining to the group about the Walsh departure, I was unprepared, I didn't spin it how I would have liked to, had I rehearsed it. Need to anticipate being asked questions. "Nothing unsavory going on here, simply a matter of a trader burnt out, plus he's done very well with us in the past few years....he decided that he needed to spend some time with his daughter."

I have bronchitis - am on antibiotics - need to do a spring detox now. I should eat very very light, minimize black tea (only one) and absolutely no sugar or refined foods or alcohol. Need to think clearly, but also need a gut feeling.

Olive is fat and happy, with red rose lips. She's got a huge belly on her skinny little legs.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

March 27, 2007

Sharmeen got married this past weekend. I was the matron of honor. I hosted her bridal shower, mehndi party, held her veil and her hand. It was incredibly beautiful as weddings tend to be. I am exhausted.

At work, there are situations. Mark calls me now, and I want to say smart fabulous things to him, things that will make him like and respect me as a counsel. He already did call to say he wanted me to work on this Russian deal. That is a wonderful start.

But with Millie and Ihor, I am still tying my shorts. I understand their interests lie not with my fund, but with the mothership, a bulky public affair that interferes with my streamline yet also helps us in many ways. I am glad the way things are going, I think a lot at work. Very exciting to have a thinking job.

Olive - I miss her at work, I do not know if I spend enough time with her. I will sleep now to be fresh in the morning.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

March 15, 2007

Creating choreography for a solo to Beethoven for Sharmeen's mehndi. This will be so funny, the first time my family will see my balletic skills, even though I am slightly out of shape.

Went to a seminar on China tonight and want to impress Mark with my newfound knowledge, but the question is how to differentiate the interesting from the already known?

The morning was off to a good start - I spoke to Lee first thing in the morning. Then imparted that brilliant knowledge to the team in a well-written email.

Missed Olive in the evening, but we were kissing mouth to mouth in bed in the morning. Her breath was like soy formula.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

March 13, 2007

I'm working very hard, but am I working smart. I'm sabotaging myself a bit by not being confident. I keep telling myself I am at new at this, I keep telling others that I don't have this experience. When anyone starts something new, she does not have the experience. What she does need to succeed is focus and a belief in herself. Where did I lose my confidence? Never self deprecate.

Also, answer quickly when people try to skew things one way. A trader called my comment "academic." It certainly was not academic and I should have called him on the spot. Now I am sitting her stewing over it, thinking about writing an email to him.

Also, I need to be positional in every thing I say - cater it to that person. I need to create the impression that I am a superstar. How do I do this? Do everything with confidence and wisdom. Do not use filler language, except to move your point along. I need to shift my whole focus. I am now Associate General Counsel. I have accountability. People are relying on me to advise them. I need to tell them that I am advising them and this is good advice. They can rely on me. I am brilliant, a rock, a superstar.

Don't talk to COO about deals generally. He is very protective of John, which is why I believe he is not sending out my announcement - for fear of hurting John. However, that then becomes unwelcoming to me. Of course I have a signed a deal where I get about half my comp at the end of the term. No one needs to be nice to me. I do not need their niceness. I need their respect and to be likeable. Niceness will follow.

Reading an article in the times, I was thinking about my story about the young boy who comes down the mountain with a donkey's back full of carpets in Pakistan. That would be one story in "Perpetual Immigrant." There must also be a story about Kuwait, a woman who is American and defies a security guard at the Ministry of Information. The consequence of that. Does she groped by the driver on the same day? Yes, it is a day of molestation at the hands of the Arabs. But how does she respond. She is late for work, she does not want her light pink dress to be sullied, she is annoyed rather than coyed. She pretends not to understand the security guard, ignores his calls after her. She has hell to pay for this - but not personally because an Arab woman protects her, goes and speaks Arabic to the security boss men. What does she say? Is it a mystery - what is the insight into the Kuwaiti woman. Does she insist that the American is ignorant, things are different in her country, she is new. What arguments does she employ? Or does she accuse the guard of molestation on the grounds that the American is very beautiful.

[interrupted by cousin's wife to give advice on breastfeeding, pumping, etc.]

I must keep my laser sharp focus on my job - how to solve the Vene oil warrant crisis, how to effectively communicate with the traders, how to be a supernova. A supernova is expansive, brilliant, and everyone comes out to see it.

wish me

Sunday, March 11, 2007

March 11, 2007

"There are 3 generations here today," my father said. Olive was sick and cranky, and as soon as my father left for a business trip, I fought with my mother.

Why do I not love her anymore? She takes a lot of emotional energy. That is what people do. Not so, not in my close personal life. I need to treat her gently and with love.

I do not need to feel sorry for her, even though she keeps reminding us of her choice-less life.
I do need to appreciate all her efforts, even though she gives me an earful of how much trouble she went to get me a (hideous) outfit.
I need to not try to have an relationship on my terms, but on her terms, even though her terms are ridiculous to me.
I need to use few words around her, even though she chatters non-stop about the most mundane things.

On what basis will we have a relationship? That she's my mother of course.

Olive loves her mother (me) very much. We had sweet chats before bed tonight and she gives me the loveliest smiles. I want our relationship to be always beautiful, close and honest.

My mother is always crying and making hideous faces about something that makes her unhappy, hurts her. She is always hurt about the choices I make. Especially simple symbolic things, like choosing to wear a dress to the wedding instead of traditional Pak garb. So how to deal? Simply minimize information to her. What she won't know until she's in public she won't react to by throwing a emotional fit.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

March 10, 2007

I'm officially in the middle of a wedding now, as my parents have arrived to New York and most conversations are about the organization details of my sister's wedding. My mother objects to each item planned - either it is too expensive or else not Islamic enough. She looked rather worn today. I felt bad for her. She is not a working mama, though she did work when we were growing up and was a lot healthier when she had more to focus on than controlling her kids or her husband's bank account.

Olive is sick, with snot everywhere. It turned grey-green today and her ear was smelling bad. I soaked a clove of garlic in olive oil and then dripped a few drops in her ear. She was so clingy, at a time when I am dealing with a demanding new job, emotionally challenging parents and a weakened immune system.

Also I am the matron of honor so I am in charge of protecting my sis from the emotional strain that mummy can impose. She is not generous but restrictive. She must save a lot of money because her husband is lot older than her; she will need that money to support herself later so she cannot let him spend it all on his kids now.

There is an uncertainty as to traditions and on how to do things because of the changing nature of our culture - Pakistani, Canadian, American, and the groom is Vietnamese, American, Quebecois.

I need to focus on my press release - the announcement that Rory will make to the team on Monday. I have agreed to draft it for him, as he is so busy.


Wednesday, March 07, 2007

March 7, 2007

Olive's 10 words:

bumba, meaning diaper change
baaa, meaning sheep
bye bye
no, also no no

Still trying to get the Elena monkey off my back.


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

March 6, 2007

I took a drug test today because as of next Monday, I will be Associate General Counsel of EMSO. I am quite pleased, if a bit nervous --- my predecessor spent too much time bigging herself up. But do I spend enough?

I am simply creating things. It feels strange to be Elena-less, but she was a huge monkey on my back, I discovered the depth of her deceits today as I went through her old emails. How emotional that was. But the weird thing is, that I cannot focus on my letter to SEBI because I have been obsessing about Elena today - so effectively she is still preventing me from my ultimate destination of being GC. I need to purge of her.

Olive has the sniffles. She said doll and mole today. We read about the mole sisters. It is gratifying to be a mother and an Associate General Counsel all at once. But note that I am not a ballerina, though I have been thinking incredibly about dance. I must choreograpy something for Sham's wedding. First, the music. Something Beethoven perhaps - very dramatic like an old Bollywood film.

I must keep my head on straight now.